OK, it's been a busy weekend with Bullworker in the hospital and me in El Paso. Lots to report, but I'll start with what I promised.
If you Google "worst country songs," what you get is different versions of the same list of country songs with humorous titles that has been passed around since the beginning of the Internet.
Yes, "I Fell in a Pile of You and Got Love all Over Me" sounds funny. But it's not a song any of us have heard. And it might actually be a funny song … if it is a song and not just a disembodied title.
Other songs in those lists are actually good, or passable, songs. Others fall into the "so bad they are good" category, like "Convoy" and some of Jerry Reed's stuff.
But it's hard to find a list of honest-to-God-played-on-the-radio country songs that are flat-out awful. And I don't mean songs that are just bad. I could fill the Internet with those. I'm talking about once-in-a-lifetime awful. Stuff that forces you to change the station, maybe rip out your car radio and set it on fire.
10. "Happiest Girl in the Whole USA," Donna Fargo. 1972. Shannon reports that if she would ever kill herself, it would be to this song. Donna Fargo has a true gift for inanity.
9. "Bimbo," Jim Reeves. 1953. The rare "happy children" song on this list. Listening to it is like an icepick to the ears.
8. "The Party," Porter Wagoner and Dolly Parton. 1968. Did we say "happy children"? Nothing says maudlin country music like dead kids. My friend Lee recommended this one.*
7. "Me and God," Josh Turner. 2006. I'm not against religious music. I've got a whole CD of my favorite gospel tunes by Billy Joe Shaver, Johnny Cash, Willie, even Bill Monroe and Townes Van Zandt. I titled the CD "Holy Shit!" (Yes, I still think that is very funny.) But this song is beyond bad.
6. "Refried Dreams," Tim McGraw. 1994. This song is my go-to example of what country music is today: Cutesy-clever "hook" in the chorus surrounded by vapid lyrics and sung in a stadium by a preening man in tight pants and (this is what makes it country) a cowboy hat.
5. "Teddy Bear," Red Sovine. 1976. The worst of the CB-era songs (of which many were bad). Yay truckers and crippled kids!
The following "Top 4" are the worst of the worst and could be in any order.
4. "Indian Outlaw," Tim McGraw. 1994. Not only is this the most offensive song on the list (and it would have been offensive in 1964, much less 30 years later), but it is from the same album as "Refried Dreams" and the same album also includes the maudlin "Don't Take the Girl." Yes, this makes Tim's "Not a Moment Too Soon" the worst country album of all time. And "Indian Outlaw" had its own line dance.
3. "Raggedy Ann," Jimmy Dickens. 1969. Little Jimmy is known for his novelty songs, but this one is creepy beyond description. You have to hear it to fully understand. Short of that, it's a song about a guy who is talking to his daughter's doll. And he had to raise the daughter on his own after the mother died. And the daughter died, too. And, oh yeah, he doesn't expect to make it through tomorrow.
2. "Funny Face," Donna Fargo. 1972. Never in a million years will I understand how anybody listened to this insanity, much less it being a major hit. I can't imagine the drugs you would have to take to think this is not something that makes you want to claw your eyes out and stuff scorpions in your ears.
1. "Achy Breaky Heart," Billy Ray Cyrus. 1992. I shouldn't have to explain this one. Did you know that in 1962 that George Jones had a hit with a song called "Aching Breaking Heart"? So not only is Billy Ray the source of all that is wrong in the world, but his song was sort of a rip-off, too. Except that George Jones' song isn't awful.
* My friend Lee also nominated another song, but I haven't heard it, so it'll have to be a dishonorable mention. Here's how he describes it:
The latter is a song called "Half a Man," and I don't mean the Willie song. It apparently was written by some poor woman as a tribute to her paralyzed-from-the-waist-down husband (or perhaps just flat-out legless, I can't remember), and submitted to a studio as a demo for consideration. Instead, it became a running gag among industry types in Nashville – people would tape it and pass it on. By the time it found its way to me, it was a barely audible seventh-generation or so tape. It's truly awful.
Grandma got runover by a reindeer. Country or not? Certainly worthy of some sort of worst category
Posted by: Don in Leander | July 22, 2010 at 11:46 AM
If I had to classify it, I would call it "Christmas." But it's also in a special category because it is intentionally bad, unlike the others on my list. But, yes, I'll have that running through my head the rest of the night …
Posted by: Dave T | July 22, 2010 at 05:17 PM